Everyday I realize more and more that these are great words to live by as more and more trivial things come my way in pretty consistent waves of general bullshit. This is not as negative as it seems to be in reality life is great and taking it easy is a great way to live it. Stress is just not even worth the energy to deal with so might as well say fuck it and just abide because sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes it eats you 

Questions are all I seem to have these past few months, constantly question every facade i’ve ever built and every aspect of all others. Genuine human interaction is a hard thing to come by and I don’t even know that I could tell what it would look like, much less what it might feel like. This is the first year of school when I feel a real desire to do all of my work because I have an anxiety that my entire sense of self rests in the balance of how much I can really learn this semester. Maybe i’m the nice guy some people still think I am and maybe i’m not. This is continuing to divulge in more general statements and lame shit everyone feels about themselves. Sometimes I dream to have all that money and power and everything else and other times I simply muse about being human in the most genuine sense. I don’t think i’m capable of doing it or knowing what something that abstract even really means. My sense of self seems torn and how can I relate to others if i can’t relate to myself. my daily life has become an interrogation of everything I held to be remotely true about myself. 

Look at it this way, I started planning my future to be a video game designer then I wanted to be a history teacher and now I find myself trying to major in philosophy with a women and gender studies/african diaspora studies minors. It feels like quite the change to me and overall its not even what I want to be. Maybe these old dudes had it figured out and life is really about staying in a state of constant becoming while never being. 

aren’t we all a little fucked up though.

this is not as cathartic as I hoped it would be well anyway the rage inside me continues.

Up all night doing work with seth again except this time we actually finished our work and are now deciding to play Starcraft. Get ready to require more vespene gas.

“I pull off your jeans, and you spill jack and coke in my collar
I melt like a witch and scream
I’m so sorry for everything”

On a bathroom wall I wrote
“I’d rather argue with you than to be with someone else” 
I took a piss and dismiss it and went and found somebody else.
Arguing harvesting the feelings, I’d rather be by my fucking self.
Till about 2am and I call back and I hang up and start to blame myself,
Somebody help.

“The world will never know what she did. Future generations will revile her”

The song is called “To Build A Home” but there are some questions that I feel go unasked.

How to build a home?

and Why to build a home.

This questions currently haunt me and keep me awake at night finally I ponder to myself. What is a home? I am sure that there are many conceptions and definitions of such things and I will not be so arrogant as to attempt to describe all of them. This post will concern myself and as it is only my second post I apologize for making such a narrow viewpoint ahead of time. 

However, I offer this post to those who would read it as a way to view the world differently. Not the way that I view it. But the way that  YOU view it impacted by what you take away from what you read here.

A Home to me is a place where one feels in completely comfort and is safe in a literal and metaphorical sense to be oneself. It is a place where I can unwind and relax and no longer feel the judgment and the tedium of the everyday world. The place that I now occupy is not what I would consider my home. I do not think a home is something that you are just given. Well really, one is given a home at birth and this functions as it should.

As I have grown into what little maturity I now hold I find myself less and less at home. It is this time in my life as I believe it is in anyone’s life to go out and Build their home. I do not mean this in the literal sense of construction from wood and nails and through the use of tools and so on. I mean this more in a sense of creating a place or a situation or a state of being in which you can function in complete synchronization with what is around you.

I feel as though a state of inner peace is the truest home I could attain. I find myself in constant turmoil over how best to find this path. As I try harder and harder to build this home I see the foundation fall before me and the entire process pushed farther and farther away from me forcing me to work harder and harder to build it. I do not understand why this is so if someone has an answer out there for why the harder I try the harder my goals seem to be I would love to know. I believe that many people find themselves trapped by this paradoxical cycle with no way out.

All I do is push myself on in this hoping with all my heart that it is not a cycle and wishing that my own faults did not replace an obstacle, once cleared, with and even greater obstacle than there was in the first place. 

The only thing I can say for certain is a world full of disappointment and hardship in this “housing market” is way better than a world without a home.